Even knowing that all of divorce is difficult), I’d have to say that writing your divorce story is the most difficult step of the process. This is particularly true if you don’t want the divorce, or you feel like the divorce isn’t your fault. But writing your story is the key to moving your life forward. Here are the steps to take:
1. Set your intention.
Unlike making a resolution or goal of what we want to do, when we make an intention in our divorce we first have to conclude that it’s our heartfelt desire to have a compassionate divorce. Here’s where it gets hard. Shouldn’t we want the other person to suffer for what they did? Or shouldn’t we want them to be held accountable?
To the contrary, you have to focus on YOU, YOUR role in the divorce story, and YOUR commitment to “holding the light” even when it gets tough. What do you want? You only have control of you and how you show up for this divorce. Your commitment to compassion is about who you are choosing to become through the transformation that divorce brings and it’s not about the other party.
Now examine your heart. Do you really want this? I mean, deep down in your heart and soul do you want this? Or are you doing it because “it’s the right thing to do?” In order to succeed your intention has to be a heartfelt desire.
2. Write it Down.
The next step is to write down the specific intention. As you do this, instead of putting it in the form of a new year’s resolution “I will be compassionate in this divorce” try to look more closely at what you are feeling. Your intention should be present tense. Remember it doesn’t have to be profound. Examples:
“I am moving through my divorce with compassion for myself and others.”
“I choose to keep my heart open to compassion as I move through divorce.”
“(name of spouse) and I are honoring our years of marriage by choosing compassion as we divorce.”
Feel free to choose any of these or a combination or others that you may create. The word compassion doesn’t have to be in the intention but as you learn more and practice more compassion the beauty of the concept may resonate with you more than it does right now.
As you develop your intention it becomes like a mantra for you but it also is a great reminder as you run your actions through a screen. When you are tempted to send a scathing email to your spouse, does it advance your intention? Every conscious choice you make becomes an opportunity to live out your intention or move you further from it. When you become triggered (I prefer the term “activated”) you can take a breath and bring your intention to mind. How will your respond?
3. Letter to your spouse. While it may be painful, another good segment of your written divorce story may be a letter you write to your spouse. Whether you send it or not remains to be seen and each individual is different. The most important thing is that you are writing it down with an eye to what you are taking away from the marriage that will serve you.
Author and therapist Esther Perel offers the following prompts for this:
Thank you for what I experienced with you.
This is what I take with me, from you.
This is what I want you to take with you, from me.
This is what I wish for you, henceforward.
It may be tempting to write something like “I take away a firm conviction that I won’t put up with emotional abuse ever again.” While that is an important insight, it’s also a passive aggressive slam at your spouse. Instead, try reframing it to “I take away a goal of setting healthy boundaries on negativity, and recognize I still have work to do in this area.” Another is “I have woken up to the need to strengthen my self -respect and I will learn to set healthy boundaries.”
This process can take quite a bit of time, and it can be painful for two reasons. One is because you want to remember the good times and that often leads to a wistfulness about whether divorce is really the right option. Recognize that once people have chosen to divorce it’s common to waiver back and forth on the question of whether it’s the right move. Most of the time it’s a temporary state but if it is one that you and your spouse have over and over it is best to see a counselor to talk it through. EXCEPT IN RARE CASES, THERE IS NO RUSH TO GET DIVORCED!
The other reason this can be a painful exercise is that if it’s done well it will bring up some of the ways you have contributed to the demise of the marriage. It’s so much easier to blame the other person! The good news is that as you see these negative traits you are being asked in the third prompt to list the positive things you have brought to the other person’s life.
Remember, writing a healthy divorce story gives you permission to move through divorce not as a “victim” but as a person on a journey. Charting your course towards forgiveness, compassion and learning from what you take away from your marriage can transform you in a healthy way, if you choose it.