Even when you and your spouse both agree to divorce, there is hurt and pain. Compassion means that you recognize there is suffering and you do what you can to alleviate the suffering.
Being compassionate doesn’t mean that you “just go along” to keep the peace. It means you move forward with an attitude that doesn’t inflict more hurt onto yourself or your spouse. Research shows that when we receive compassion it inspires us to be our highest selves.
Here are a few tips on how to divorce with compassion:
Set an intention to be compassionate. Decide that you will have a dignified and kind divorce with as little drama as possible. Remind yourself that when divorce is over you will look back and be proud of how you “showed up” for this important life transition. While it’s great to enlist your spouse in this commitment as well, remember you only have control of YOU. Be sure this is a heartfelt commitment of how you want to divorce..
Keep channels of communication open: Most couples find it helpful to work through the UnHitchUs platform together. Discuss your ideas about how to move forward, share parenting time, and divide property with your spouse. Understand that pain shows up in the form of fear, loneliness, guilt and shame. Listen carefully to each other before responding. Take time to think about proposals carefully and don’t rush through just to “get it done.” Avoid discussions when one or both of you are having a particularly emotional day; wait until things are calmer. Decide to use wisdom instead of empty threats. Disagreement may happen, and you can always come back to discuss tense issues another day.
Stay in the present. Rehashing the past is usually counterproductive, unless you are doing it with a good marriage counselor. When you are suffering you will want to do something, anything, to make it stop. Your job is not to “fix” the suffering but instead to be in the moment with the person suffering without fleeing or moving too quickly to try to stop it. This mindfulness is sometimes called “courageous presence.”
Be kind and show empathy. Kindness means you show care, concern and consideration for yourself and others. One of the best features of kindness is that it feels good to give it! Empathy means you put yourself in another’s shoes and understand how they feel. For example, if you are the person who wants the divorce and your spouse does not, you can show understanding by remembering a time you had a painful loss that was unexpected or unwanted and treat your spouse like you would like to have been treated.
Give yourself grace when you fall short. This is called self-compassion. You’re not perfect (nobody is perfect!) and you are going through a difficult period of your life. Chances are you are grieving many losses that come with divorce, and grief is a roller coaster ride. When you talk to yourself, speak with forgiveness and kindness. Speak to yourself like you would a dear friend who is hurting. Don’t give up the goal because you slipped off the high road. There is always a chance to do better tomorrow!
“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom.”- Rumi